I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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