Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Randomize
