Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
