Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
