Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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