awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
