Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
