She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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