I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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