bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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