You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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