I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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