My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
