I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
