Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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