Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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