my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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