Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
