Sorry, I don't speak sober.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You left your phone here
Wait...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
