just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
