Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
