Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
