i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
