For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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