My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
