When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
