when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
