we have officially lost it.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
