OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The Olympian is in my bed
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
