Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
