those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
