Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize