How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The feeling are messing with the penis
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
