I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize