Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
