I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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