Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize