Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
