i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
