You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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