I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
