if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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