I am spending my child support on dildos
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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