I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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