They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
