Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
