96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
