So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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