its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize