I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
