I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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