I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
