Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
