I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize