Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Randomize
