It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
