I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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