My girlfriend figured out who you are.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
