You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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