I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
