So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
