i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
