So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
His hands were made for my vagina.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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