I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
