Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
