I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
