the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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